Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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