To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
