Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
