Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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