I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My cat gives me a boner
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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