I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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