I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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