he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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