I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
