There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
