my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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