Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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