Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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