i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
