There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
