We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
