what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dicks are not precious.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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