The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
