I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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