My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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