i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
