Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
