you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
