Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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