pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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