Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
