life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
