Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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