i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
