I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
