i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
