I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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