that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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