omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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