She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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