you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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