I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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