is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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