She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
