So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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