you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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