Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
