Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
