you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
