first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
