I faked an abortion last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
