She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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