I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
