i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
