What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
