Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
