This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
